bistromath's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- achiving shite The first great book you read is not that unlike the first great love you have. Every other person that becomes a part of your life is judged silently against the same phantom of a past perfection. It can consume you in a need to replicate, duplicate, recreate anything that you can make seem halfway the way that one was. Young men have a special problem with this, it seems. They work forever at trying to achieve everything they once had. Their ideas of what love feels like all stem from the insane rush of surrendering yourself completely to another human. When the bough breaks, and when the cradle falls, lessons of self-protection are learned. It is dangerous to allow any human, no matter how much you care for them that kind of control over that much of yourself. Many times in modern press this has been interpreted as a fear of commitment, or a cynical burnt attitude towards women, but in fact it is the perfectly natural and healthy thing for a person to do when recovering from a grievous injury. You steer clear of the situation that was the cause of so much trauma to begin with. It is also worth noting that the burden of an persons� ego, superego, id, direction and purpose is an unfair load for anyone to shoulder. This is often one of the contributing causes of the breakup. Bitterness, misogyny, cynicism, fear of commitment, terminal wanderlust are all symptoms of a manifest urge to recreate the feeling of love�s first time. It�s hard to realize that there are different kinds of love, and different balances of feeling in love, and that love doesn�t always look the same, or act the same, and this isn�t a game that if you play it enough times, eventually you have the combination of factors memorized and receive a perfect score. Everything changes in every game here. The heady feeling of loss of control and over abundance of passion are the most instantly recognizable markers of love, but they are also the sings that most likely a cliff is in your near future. It�s hard to grow up and leave the ideal of that first association behind. It feels like giving up a dream. Movies tell us that it happens everyday, so hy should anyone have to sell out the hope of perfect complete, picture story, fairy love happening to them? It�s not fair! But it is necessary. And it may be the hardest lesson of growing up. 9:45 a.m. - 30.01.2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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